I’m showing up

I’m showing up

If there’s one thing that I am learning about myself, it’s this: I suck at following through with plans, and I am always better off doing things day by day.

It’s not a feat that I’m very proud of. To be quite honest, it’s something that frustrates me most of the time– I’m ambitious, but I only have my ideas with me and never enough action. Some may say it’s just the lack of discipline, or perhaps just a flaw that I need to work on, but it’s been a challenging few years, circling back from restarting and giving up. And honestly, I’m tired of it all.

I’m tired of chasing after dreams and giving up halfway. I’m tired of having over-the-top standards, only to knock myself over for not achieving them. Fortunately, other things in my life are doing okay. My work focuses on managing different things and making sense to all of it, but ironically, I don’t think I’m doing very well on this aspect in terms of my personal life.

Whenever people ask me how I am, I would usually say that I feel stuck, because I honestly am. I feel like I’m not moving forward because I’m stuck in the unhealthy cycle of wanting to restart my life and not following through with my plans. And I suppose you could attribute this harmful habit to another flaw that I have: when my plan gets busted, I just give up, transforming manageable hurdles to dead-ends. I know it’s irrational, and I know there’s no point in writing about it (because DUH), but it’s the way that I am and it’s hard for me to make changes no matter how hopeful I’ve been. As shameful as it is, I unfortunately don’t follow through when things get too complicated. I won’t attempt to untangle problems; instead I just run away and try to escape my issues through travels, hours of social media, or binge-watching movies and series. Instead of facing things head on, I just run away, I leave, I hide, and I pretty much do nothing to make any significant progress.

I know I’m not alone in my escapist tendencies. I’m still working my hardest in my attempts to “fix” this, and as I go along this journey, I realized that showing up is my way of getting unstuck. The past few months, I’ve been trying my best to keep on showing up, despite and in spite of all the excuses that I can come up with.

I show up even if I don’t feel like exercising. I show up even if I’m not in the mood to work. I show up for free talks and classes and events that I’ve always wanted to go to. I just keep on showing up, day by day, one thing at a time. And I realized that showing up, no matter how insignificant it feels, is actually a huge win for me. Usually, it brings me to interesting places, it leads me to meeting new people, and it makes me feel like I’m actually making progress.

These days, I try my best to not flake on things. If I ditch something, it must only be because of these two reasons: (1) I am in unbearable pain, or (2) something more important must be tended to.

I no longer take leaves from work if I can still bear it. I push myself to wake up early even if sleeping in feels like a better idea. I no longer let my feelings paralyze me, and surprisingly, it’s doing me well. As much as I can, I stop myself from moping around and just focus on actually doing something, even if it’s as simple as getting up from bed, eating on time, and going outside of my little apartment. Most of the time I still need a lot of help (usually from the boyfriend), but I’m trying to be as best as I can be when it comes to working on myself.

I’ve been wanting to start this blog for so long but I pushed it to the back burner. It felt as if my excuses are more significant than to the reason why I wanted to make this space happen. But lately, I felt that craving of creating again. Not that I make great things (I’m so ordinary, it hurts sometimes)– it’s just that I miss doing things for myself. I miss writing, I miss having something outside of work, and I know that delaying this personal project wouldn’t do anything. This site is not perfect, and my writing skills reek of grammar issues and incohesive ideas, but I’m just going to go for it. This time, I’ll just keep on showing up– day by day, little by little– until the day comes when it doesn’t feel like an effort anymore. Until writing finally becomes as easy as breathing; until this space feels like a haven and not a place for perfection.

So I suppose I’ll see you more often, old friend.

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