Out of Hiding

Out of Hiding

More than half of the year has passed, and yet, everything feels like it’s on a standstill. Life has been nothing but a series of repetitive days– waking up, working, and then finding something heartbreaking online. My routine has brought me both comfort and a certain kind of numbness, but I’m trying my best to turn things around.

Since the beginning of the quarantine, my position at work shifted from pure project management to a more dynamic one, merging communications and writing as part of the things that I needed to deliver. The transition was easy because this used to be something that I do every day. But at the same time, I wanted to run away from it because then writing would feel like a responsibility, and I could no longer find it in me to dedicate time to do it for myself. I compensated work with journaling, pouring words page after page every morning, but then after a few months, I found myself lost, not knowing what to say. That feeling started as a small doubt until it grew and ate me up in ways that paralyzed me. With the world crumbling into pieces, I felt like my words would be of no comfort, of no sense, of no importance and meaning.

With my life feeling so bleak, I decided to pause writing and find healing in other ways. The first step was trying a theta healing session, which apparently is much like a therapy (except this one has some focus on energy healing, too). That started it and things slowly rolled out. I took yoga, dedicating my mornings by showing up on the mat even if I didn’t feel like it. I focused my energy on nourishing myself well, meditating whenever I can, and slowly finding ways to feel better about my days. I created candles and let myself get lost in the process. I brought in plants, decorated my space with flowers, surrounding myself with beautiful things. I got incense and teas, indulging my senses in the small ways that I can. I went back to mindfulness, honoring my pace and embracing the little wins that I accomplish. I knew that beating myself up was not the way to go, and is certainly not the best way to spend my energies on. I am still working on many aspects of my life, but this turn has made me feel so much lighter and purposeful.

And today, I felt like I was called to finally go back and put these things into words. The past months have been draining and I know that I am privileged to be able to look inwards amid this turbulent times, but I also know that I could be of no use to others if I couldn’t even bring myself to fight. A lot of work has to be done in terms of where we are as a country, and the world needs more voices to uplift each other. I wanted to show up for these causes, do something even if its the littlest of things, and I know that I needed to have the bandwidth to be able to do these.

I always tell my friends to take a rest whenever they can. What’s happening around us have been frustrating, but it also helps to take care of us, to recharge ourselves so we can fight back with more vigor and do more for others.

I’m still healing but I feel like I have enough to show up. And today, I promise to show up more often.

Hello, internet. I’m back.

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